Only another adoptive parent understands an adoptive parent's challenges. You wish your child were your own, but you know another mom and dad is out there. Learning to explain the difference between “Mom” and “Birth Mom” is one of those challenges.
Will it confuse my child? How will it affect our relationship? Will they still love me? Sometimes, imagined threats keep us from explaining things simply. Here are some thoughts about how to explain what a birth mother is to your child.
Do I Have to Discuss the “Birds and the Bees”?
No matter the topic, every conversation with your child has to be age-appropriate. Beginning the adoption conversation with your child when they are very young can help you delay the “where do babies come from?” talk until the right time.
Some parents use unique names like “Tummy Mommy” or “Belly Mom” for their birth mothers. These names may spark questions about why a baby would be in a mommy’s tummy or belly, but most young children just accept the fact.
What Are Other Names?
“First Mother” is another name some families use. Of course, the problem with this name is it implies you are the “Second Mom.” Another problematic name is “Natural Mother” because it presumes you are unnatural.
It is entirely acceptable to use your birth mother’s first name to identify her to your child. You can also add the word “Momma” to the front of her name. Some birth mothers consider themselves sisters to the adoptive mom and suggest being called “Auntie [First Name]," however, if you choose this, your child still needs to understand that she is their birth mother.
Does How We Refer to Her Matter?
Names and titles matter. Regardless of your adoption situation, your birth mother deserves the utmost respect. If they can’t meet physically, your child needs to connect to their birth mother emotionally and mentally for the sake of their adopted identity.
How Do I Explain?
Start young and find creative ways to present adoption. Make an “All About You” book with photos and letters from your child’s biological parents. If you only email or text, copy and save them in the book.
We offer other clever ways to introduce adoption to your child. Read How Will the Adoptive Parents Tell My Child About Adoption? to learn more. As your child grows, they will enjoy the mutual love and care you and their birth mother expressed.
Whether you are expecting or you’ve already given birth, you should be the one to select the potential adoptive couple to raise your child. We'll provide portfolios of loving and qualified families to choose from when you make an open or semi-open adoption plan.
Find a way to be relaxed and comfortable talking about their birth mother. As questions arise, give only the information you know to be true and necessary. It’s easy, when nervous, to say more than you need to.
Can I Get Advice From Adoption Angels?
As part of our service to potential adoptive parents, we provide thorough adoption education, support, and training. We have several
adoptive family resources we encourage you to take advantage of.
If you have questions or want to begin working with Adoption Angels, fill out our online Contact Form or call (210) 227-2229. We would be honored to travel with you on your adoption journey.
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